Ashram classroom, Varanasi

One highlight from the Darshan trip, was meeting with Hindu friends of our teachers. This photo shows the classroom of the ashram where we studied each day. The afternoon this was taken, we were listening to a woman's story of moving towards faith in Jesus. Her mother was also present and shared her perspective on her daughters new life... jumping in at one point to answer a question for her (about whether her marriage had been affected by her decision to follow Christ), "oh, yes... they used to fight, she would come to my house upset at her husband...", etc. The couple has daily devotional times in the morning... they are both followers of Jesus. I wish I could capture the radiant joy this woman expressed while talking about Jesus.

Darshan Snapshots

Here are some journal excerpts from my trip this summer:

New Jersey:
“We interviewed a man in New Jersey, who was trying to endear us to Hinduism... even using Christian terminology. We asked if there was forgiveness... he responded, "Oh, yes! God has an everest of patience", then continued into a confusingly wordy explanation, which... when thought through carefully, revealed that by saying "yes" he merely meant that people can get many tries and many lifetimes to get it right, but one always receives punishment, always pays for sin. There was no mercy, as I understand it anyway. Even just hearing his explanation makes me sigh with defeat -- the last thing I'd want is innumerable "tries". Failure is quite attractive in light of mercy."

Varanasi:
"The afternoon after our sunrise boat ride on the Ganga, I read over several statements from Jesus like, "I will not leave you desolate" and was struck by the contrast I was seeing... and all that we don't have to do to please God... "open the door" -- you can't get much simpler than that! Over the next couple weeks, the more I learned about Hinduism, esp. the various gods and goddesses -- the more awestruck I became with Jesus. I saw Him more beautiful, more loving, and more generous than before. Hearing Munnu contrast the character of Jesus with his own Hindu gods was striking too. And seeing Anita's glowing face as she shared about finding Jesus -- I saw more and more how attractive Jesus is. And, Hindus, who often live so devoted to gods who are not loving and generous like Jesus, can appreciate His character perhaps more than I, who knew him at such an early age. I remember having similar thoughts about Hinduism -- just before coming to Nepal the 1st time. I had been feeling down and a bit confused, and was begging God to help me... He responded by saying, 'I will help you... but first consider that you are about to encounter people who, like you now, pray for help -- only they have millions of gods who will never hear them and respond like I'm about to respond to you.' My self-pity melted into compassion... esp. when I considered how minor and brief my disturbance had been in comparison to the daily suffering of many in India or Nepal. We are not grateful enough for compassion and forgiveness.”

"One thing that's also struck me over the last couple days... was a temple we visited. It was a temple to Vishnu, essencially, and most of it was filled with scenes from the Ramayana (the great Hindu epic about Ram - who's an incarnation of Vishnu). In part of the temple, you paid to walk through an almost Disneyland-like display of the story... huge scenes, the size of a room, with moving figures, depicting parts of the story. It was pretty impressive. At one scene we were asking our teacher about different characters and he didn't know the answer... then he said, "this little girl would know"... referring to the 7-10 yr.old girl next to us. Sure enough, he asked her... and with great excitement she shared with us about the story. I don't know exactly what she said because it was in Hindi, but watching her face light up... one could tell that this story was deeply a part of her life. She also helped us identify several images of deities on a wall in a different part of the temple. I gave her some candy as we were leaving, to say "thanks"... she was thrilled. I thought about her and about that story the rest of the day. When I was at that seminar in SF, someone spoke about the Ramayana and how it has been told in every art form imaginable in India and throughout other parts of SE Asia... then stated, "what if this story was the gospel?". "

“Some common brand names here in India:for mineral water - ‘YES!’ and for toilet paper - ‘Must’”[If you've been to Asia, you'll appreciate the irony.]

London:
"We just came from visiting with Brian's language tutors... it was a pretty interesting day. The family was curious about us and excited that we wanted to know about their culture. Some of us spent the evening talking with the second son. He said that he'd never met Christians so open minded and that his impression of what Christians believe is 'you don't have to be good -- just believe in Jesus or you're going to Hell." From there we were able to share in depth about what the Bible teaches about salvation. He was very open and very interested. I think Brian was quite surprized (and a bit nervous) when he overheard bits of our conversation. He spent much of the night trying to distract the rest of the family."

Entering Temple, Varanasi July 2004 

Darshan

“Darshan, literally translated from Sanskrit as ‘seeing and being seen by God,’ is that moment when the worshipper is receptive to recognition by God...”
- from Meeting God: Elements of Hindu Devotion

I first heard the word “darshan” while talking with my friend Christy over chai in Delhi. I had been awed at the devotion of Hindus for some time, and knew that the Most High was jealously longing for that devotion... from Hindus and also from me. So, this word caught my attention. It reminded me of a verse God has brought me to many times, “And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image...” 2 Cor. 3:18 When we are unveiled and we see God’s glory, it transforms us. The goal of many Hindu devotional practices, is to experience darshan... seeing God. While reading about these practices, I was first struck by the depth of their longing and devotion, and second grieved for the heart of God, who wants so much to “be seen” by His creation. The words I read in Isaiah 57 my first time in Nepal, seem more powerful than ever. “For thus says the high and lofty one who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with those who are contrite and humble in spirit...” Hindus believe in a supreme God, who inhabits eternity, but to them... He is unknowable, and “incarnations” of him are then worshipped and brought into homes and villages to dwell with the people. However, the eternal, holy God is knowable and longs to dwell with His people, through his Son (the true Incarnation) and indwelling Spirit.

By the time I left India, I felt that I needed far more understanding of the culture of Hindus, so that I wouldn’t squelch their devotion, but rather see it shifted and fulfilled in the Most High. I also felt challenged to be more devoted myself... to be passionate about meeting with God, seeing His glory, and being transformed. The time I spent in Varanasi, India was really exciting for me. Jacala (who was traveling with me) said that my face lit up the moment our train arrived in Varanasi, and stayed that way until we left. I remember thinking that I felt exactly the same way that I felt the first time I was in San Francisco. Well, oddly... it was the same feeling and almost the exact same kind-of circumstance. In both cases, I spent only 1 week there... full of joy, knowing that I was going to be there again. And, like in San Francisco, I was grieved to leave after just one week, and thinking that it would be a long time before I was able to return. But, again, just about a month later, much to my surprise, I felt God nudging me to return. I received an email with the subject “training opportunity quickly approaching”. I decided to scan over it out of curiosity, but was certain that anything “quickly approaching” couldn’t be for me. Then something caught my eye, “Darshan 2004”. It was the name of the training program. I honestly think that if it had been called anything else, I might have deleted it and not thought anything of it, but that word had been on my heart, since I first heard it in Delhi. Still thinking that it was too soon, I closed the email and tried to ignore it. The whole day I couldn’t get it out of my mind. That night I came to a Wednesday service, and said to God something like, “I’m not going to think about this program anymore, it sounds ridiculous, so if you do want me to do it... you’ll have to make it obvious.” The message that night was all about how worship and devotion must be central, and about being obedient to go, when God has called us. By the end of the night, I decided to apply for the training. It runs from June 26th through August 2nd. Around 3 weeks are spent in Varanasi, India... having classroom teaching on Hindu worldview, etc. Another week is spent among Indians in England.

Grieving Polk Street

September of this last year (2003), I moved from full time work on Polk Street, into studying at the AIM school and working part time. The transition I went through was more than I expected emotionally. I can’t really explain all the psychology of it... but it felt as though the heartache I had seen during my time on Polk Street, finally caught up with me and was processed. Living out there full-time, I couldn’t fully take in all that I experienced as it happened or I would have been useless and weepy 24/7. I know that God gave me grace to work and live as I did and that was much clearer after I was no long out there every day. The week after I moved out, I was working on our Pharos scrapbook and started crying at seeing a photo of one of our kids. At first I couldn’t really figure out why I was crying. I had look at those photos almost everyday for several weeks. I was weeping over things that had happened over a month earlier. This has happened quite a lot over the past few months. On top of that, other events took place that shook me up. Myself and a few roommates, got to know a 13 year-old girl that was on Polk Street. We saw God do amazing things in her life. Miraculously sobering her up from heroin and speed, with no withdrawals! She spent one week with a couple of us, at my house and another girl’s apartment... there was lot’s of prayer and good long talks that week as we “mothered” her. Toward the end of the week, we could see the affects of being off drugs and in a positive environment could have. She started acting more like a 13-yr-old kid, rather than a tough street kid. It was a very intense week, perhaps the most intense week of my life... but she was so worth it. This happened toward the end of October, and since then she has had some ups and downs.

Also, in the midst of crazyness with our little girl, I found out that one of the kids we’d hung out with on Polk Street had been killed. I also learned that his mother was staying at a house with people from my church, just up the street from me. I’ll never forget the night I visited her. She told me more about him, and showed me the things he’d had on him when he died, including a bus ticket home scheduled to leave just days after he was killed. I was amazed when I heard how she had gotten to this house. A man from my church picked her up in his cab, she was weeping and eventually told him why. He prayed for her and as he dropped her off at a hotel, he gave her his phone number to call if she need a place to stay longer. She called a few days later, and came to stay with them. Then, through the oddest means, she called Ronda (one of my roommates at the Pharos), who contacted me. But it was only by chance that I learned where she was staying. As I was walking home after seeing her that night, crying, not just for the kid that had passed away, but for the others still out there, I prayed, “God... I’m running low on hope. It’s not gone, but it’s running low.” The next afternoon, I took a walk, still feeling down. I was praying for more hope as I wandered up Fillmore Street... and eventually into a shop. Some bottles caught my eye (I like bottles), I looked closer and read, “HOPE: Caution, do not abandon.” I had to smile. ‘Okay, God... that’s cute. Thanks.’

After moving back to Wyoming, I’ve continued to grieve. I broke down Christmas evening, thinking about kids in San Francisco. It’s been a difficult season, but a lot of good has happened in the midst of it. My time at AIM was wonderful... It became very clear that God wanted me there for that time. I was sad to leave. When I was in Chicago for a conference, which I’ll talk about more later, God really encouraged me. I had a great week, and the last night I was in Chicago, while sitting around a little backyard campfire praying with some new friends... the song “Joyful, Joyful” (like from Sister Act), kept running through my head. I felt God say that my season of grieving was ending, and the next season will be joyful.

The "So Much"

The first time I was in San Francisco, against all reason I felt very much at home. I was only here for 1 week, but that started something. I remember as we were driving out of the City -- I felt terrible. I was arguing with God a bit, whining about leaving. Why did I care so much about leaving a place I’ve only known a week? Somewhat to my surprise, I felt God answer, “I want you to remember this feeling -- the feeling of wanting to be here, of wanting to fill the needs here, because one day I’m going to ask you to come back and you’re not going to want to... so, remember and obey or you will miss out on so much. That last part really stuck in my head... “‘so much’, Huh?” I filed that away in my brain, not expecting to pull it out so soon.

Only about a month later the day came. I was sitting in a small church service in Nepal, listening to music and words I couldn’t understand, looking at people I was completely falling in love with. I recognized a familiar tune, “Seek Ye First” being sung in Nepali. Then, unexpectedly an inspired thought entered my head -- “You won’t see these people for a long time”. My heart immediately sank -- What a terrible thought! It wouldn’t go away. “Seek first... something else, this will be added later”. That’s not the way the song goes!! But the message was clear -- I wasn’t going to live in Nepal right away. With that 1 piece of info, all, and by ‘all’ I mean many, of my plans were gone. “Where else would I go?” Now, I didn’t want an answer, especially at that moment, but I got it anyway -- “remember San Francisco?”. I ignored it. Hmmm... I’m going to have to pray about what I should do. Funny how we can spiritualize things to avoid listening. I looked in front of me at a squirming Nepali child. Something caught my eye -- the tag on her little blue jeans. They were “San Francisco” brand jeans... no joke. I was annoyed, but a little amused. The confirmations continued, for the next several weeks San Francisco was everywhere I turned. I know God was having fun... movies in Thailand, tourism specials on the plane, notes people had written. The week I arrived back in the US, I called up to the base in San Francisco and said the I needed a staff application, because God wouldn’t leave me alone.

So... here I am, with one month left of my two years on staff at YWAM San Francisco. God promised “so much”, and... well, I’m still trying to piece together all that He has done. He wasn’t joking about how much I would have missed. I don’t want to imagine how my life would have been had I not come here. I’m going to try to summarize some of it... knowing that even I have no idea how much being here has impacted myself and others.

I remember that after I returned from Nepal, I was upset about the condition of the kingdom... which had been shaken by a massacre. God used that to show me that prayer was more valuable in Nepal that anything I could do. I knew that if I had gone to Nepal immediately I would have gone alone, in my own strength. Perhaps I would have done a lot of “good” things, but unless God was in it... none of it would matter. Just last week I was looking back at this, and realizing that the reason I had to come to San Francisco before going to Nepal, was because I need to learn to wait on God, to depend on Him and not myself. I’ve learned a lot about myself these last 2 years... and the most important thing I’ve learned is that I don’t want to do anything without God. I know that I can choose to ignore Him in areas of my life, or ignore Him altogether... and He’ll allow me to, but the truth is that unless I’m right in the middle of His perfect plan... nothing is worth it. The Lord has brought me to Exodus 32-34 many different times the last couple years, and I’m finally seeing why. Look at Moses’ prayer, “If your presence will not go, do not carry us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people, unless you go with us?” Moses made it clear that, although God had told him he could go to the promised land, he’d rather die in the desert than go without Him. Two years ago I was more than ready to go to Nepal, but now... I don’t really want to go anywhere unless God is going with me. This is only the most valuable thing I’ve learned. God has grown me, blessed me, and used me in many ways. It’s been the most challenging 2 years, and also the most fun. I’ve found emotions I didn’t know I had... I laugh twice as much, and cry more easily. My vision is a lot clearer, my focus more undeviating. I’ve made new friends, arranged a marriage, and lived in tight community. I’ve been poured into by the most amazing teachers and leaders I know of, and I’ve been able to pour out to the most hurting and rejected people I know of...

I guess I’ll conclude there, because there is so much that I could write. God knows what He’s doing... I wasn’t to happy about coming here at first, it made no sense. I don’t want to ever be unwilling to do what God asks, because I see what can be missed otherwise.

The Contrast of Life Without God

Over the years, we see our kids go through their ups and downs. Some, consistently make attempts to get off the street or get help... but it seems that often, just as things are looking up, they are jerked back onto the street. It almost seems as though the enemy has a leash on them... and if they do too well, he yanks on it. It can be discouraging to see them do so well, only to plummet back into their past. On the other hand, we see that each time they break away from the street, God changes them, and even if they return, the enemy can’t rob what God has sown in. One of our guys, we’ve seen go through this cycle again and again. We’ve seen him clean for 6 months, following the Lord, going to church... but we’ve also seen him at his worst.

A couple weeks ago, we were out in the evening and he was sitting on the street. It was obvious that the enemy was tormenting him... he was hissing at us and mumbling all sorts of nonsense. We sat down on the sidewalk not far from him. As we were sitting there, I kept pondering the intense contrast I’ve seen in his life. I’ve heard him pray and pour his heart out to God with such sincerity... and I’ve seen him completely deceived and yelling at us. I’ve seen him healthy, but also thin, worn, and dirty. It seems that if everyone could see the difference in following God and living in the world, especially like I did that night, that all would choose God’s life. We eventually moved even closer to him, and prayed silently. It was clear that the enemy didn’t like that. We asked him if he knew that we loved him and if he knew how special he was. We persisted, until he said that he did know that we loved him, but he was bothered by the idea of being special.

The next evening he stopped by, looking better. He asked if we had any food left from Bible Study, we didn’t, but Kerri took him some candy bars. He told her that he was really sorry about the night before, and that he’d had some really bad drugs. Kerri said, “Yeah, we know, that’s why we were sitting next to you. Do you remember what I said to you about being special?”. He responded with a “yeah” and a sad look. He said that he really need to get out of here because it was “killing his heart” and gave her a hug.

A couple days later he stopped by and said he was ready to go. We were able to get him into a short term place that afternoon. Early the next week, he called our house. At first I had no idea who it was, because he sounded so different. A few days of prayer and a good environment had changed him already. Again, I was struck by the contrast... he was talking about the Bible and what he was learning, and looking ahead at the future. I was a bit teary, especially when he brought up that evening from the previous week. He said that he had realized that the reason he was acting so strange toward us, was because the enemy was messing with him and telling him that we were bad. He said that the enemy must not have liked us praying for him that night. I told him that that was exactly why we had been sitting there. Then he got a bit sentimental and thanked us for “saving his life”. A day or so later, he was able to leave the city to a discipleship program. We spoke with the director of the program a few days later, and he’s doing great.